Givers

Bigger than Myself

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. On the face of it all, things have been going well. My resilience has been better, even though people I love have been going through a tough time. I got my first lot of feedback from my Masters – which reassures me that I’m on the right track, as well as the privilege of meeting some incredible people. My coaching practice is growing and maturing, and January introduced me to some new opportunities and clients which has been very exciting. I’m surrounded by people who love, care and respect me.

Over the last few days, I’ve been in a real funk. I can’t concentrate or focus. I seem to have a million thoughts and none all at once. My heart feels heavy and I can’t seem to feel grounded. And I had no idea why.

Until this morning.

After distracting myself on social media, it dawned on me. The persistent news and climate had been overwhelming my subconscious. It wasn’t until I was having my monthly business catch up with a friend that I was able to finally be vocal about what the issue was. I am scared.

As a British Born Chinese person who lives in Norfolk, UK, my social media and news feeds has been full of people’s stories and experiences of racism following the news of the Coronavirus and of Brexit. The stories of British Chinese people’s experiences of racism in the past week has been relentless. People, including young children and the elderly, have been spat at, sworn at, laughed at and told to “go back to China” up and down the country. Although I haven’t experienced this personally this week, I realise now that it’s impacted me more so than I initially thought.

I was in London this week for a meeting. I’m there quite regularly and usually enjoy the hustle and bustle of the city. It felt different this time though. I was uncomfortable being surrounded by so many people. On reflection, it’s because I didn’t feel safe; I didn’t know what the danger might by or where it would come from. This is a feeling that is always there in the background, developed after years of experiencing comments, catcalls, threats and harassment as a woman of colour. But now, right now, I am so aware of it and there are people who have been emboldened to behave in this way.

I’m sad because I want to be optimistic about the world.

I’m afraid that my young sister will have to endure some of the bullying and harassment that I hoped was left within my own childhood.

I’m worried that my grandmother might get abused in the street as she goes about her day-to-day.

I’m anxiously assessing the risk has on my family’s businesses.

I’m frustrated that this still happens – and that there are people who experience this more often than I do, who are told to just get over it.

I’m angry that this hatred is creating a bigger chasm in society.

I feel helpless because all of this is bigger than myself.

However, there is good news.

It IS bigger than me. There have been some incredible responses to the racist behaviours and actions that have taken place, such as this response to the “Happy Brexit Day” note left in my local area and hearing stories about active bystanders who intervene on public transport when abuse is happening. 

This IS bigger than all of us and, in my current state of vulnerability, I want to say a heartfelt thank you to each of you who advocate, defend, and support others. The fact that you understand that the emotional and mental load of always being the person to stand up against the hate and ignorance (especially if it’s directed at them), and are willing to be an active and vocal ally means a great deal to someone who, at that point in time, doesn’t have the energy or courage themselves to deal with it – that is the work of a superhero.

It’s OK if you don’t know how, yet. But try. Ask questions. Use your kind intention and the skills you have to-hand. Please try.

If it helps, we were never told how to deal with it either…

A case against agreeableness

“You’re so lovely.” “You’ll never meet a nicer person.” “Have you met Steve – he’s great!”

All these sounds like compliments, right? Absolutely! I pride myself on my my level of agreeableness. I like the positive impact I can have on others – in fact, I thrive on it. It makes me happy that that’s how my colleagues, staff and stakeholders see me. My last 360˚ feedback contained the most comments on my approachability, empathy, personability, and positive approach. So why am I making a case against agreeableness? Why am I arguing against something that’s integral to my own nature?

Because we rely too much on it.

We make decisions about who to trust and who to work with based on how well we get on with another person. We avoid interacting with people who make us feel uncomfortable and awkward. We make assumptions on individuals based on how they make us feel – if they smile at us and seem excited to see us, we assume we can trust them and that they will open and honest with us. Most of this is decided almost the instant we meet someone. My fellow people-pleasers, this works well for us. We’ve had years of practice putting people at ease and building an atmosphere of trust and safety. Do you know who else masters these skills?

Fakers.

For those of you unfamiliar with organisational psychologist Adam Grant’s work, his video here and book, introduces to us the concept of Givers and Takers. Super quick summary – Givers help others, usually at the expense of themselves. Takers will trample on everyone else to meet their own needs. There is another group – one where most people fall into; the Matchers. These are people where help is transactional.

As a Giver, who is now in my third burn-out in my career, there are some lessons to be learnt by this Ted Talk. Here, Adam explores how agreeableness skews how we identify those people. We assume that if someone is approachable, they’re likely to be Givers. Let me just elaborate on Adam’s point on why this is incorrect…

I can safely say that *spoilers* the demise of Games of Thrones’ Petyr Baelish, more commonly known as Littlefinger, was joyous and cathartic. Why? Sorry if you’re not a GoT fan. To catch up, this video explores the methods he uses to be the absolute worst.

He was hateful character – manipulating the key plot points in the whole series, without guilt or remorse. And he got away with it because he was agreeable; he was able to win people over and influence those around him. He made sure he was in the right space, at the right time, with the right people. His focus was laser-sharp, and his favourite tools were concealment, misdirection and his disarming smile.

If this reminds you of someone, trust that instinct and create some distance, especially if you’re a Giver. Fakers thrive off Givers, more so than disagreeable Takers. We’re likely to stay away from people who are difficult or create strategies to deal with them. We’re not so good at identifying people like Petyr Baelish in real-life. Have a strategy that protects you from that type of person. Distance yourself if you need to. Or join me in Adam’s revolution to move them out.

On the other hand, there is a final group who are unsung, hidden allies. The disagreeable Givers. I’ve made friends with a few of them in my time – the ones who are grumpy, difficult and critical; they’re usually quite sweary. They seem to be the cause or in the middle of conflict. If you take a deep breath, close your eyes and listen – their argument will always be focused on the problem; it doesn’t get personal (unless the conflict’s been allowed to continue for too long). As Adam says:

“Disagreeable givers are the most undervalued people in our organizations, because they’re the ones who give the critical feedback that no one wants to hear but everyone needs to hear.”

Adam Grant, Ted Talk: Are you a giver or a taker?

What I’ve learnt through this talk and book has been threefold:

1. Even though I want to help others succeed, I can’t sacrifice my well-being to do that – especially when there are people who will take advantage of that

2. I now understand why I found connecting with some people who were perceive as disagreeable quite easy – disagreeable doesn’t mean that they are a selfish person

3. I absolutely want to work and influence the world of work where people can contribute in the way that is best for them, without being taken advantage of – or the fear of that happening.

I hope you got something from it and that it helps you on your own journey.

Lou